Chapter LI

Of the progress in the government of Sancho Panza, together with other events, such as they are.

THE DAY dawned that followed the night of the governor’s rounds, which the butler spent without sleeping, his thoughts being dominated by the face, spirit, and beauty in the disguised maiden. The steward used what remained of the night to write to his masters what Sancho Panza did and said, amazed as much by his deeds as by what he said, because his words and actions were streaked with both wisdom and folly.

The señor governor finally got up, and on the orders of Doctor Pedro Recio they served him a bit of compote and a few sips of cold water for breakfast, which Sancho would have willingly exchanged for a piece of bread and a bunch of grapes. But when he realized he was forced to go along and had no choice in the matter, he submitted with grief in his heart and a growling stomach, since Pedro Recio had made him believe that light and delicate things to eat quickened his intellect, and that was what was best for people who have power or are in serious offices, where they need more intellectual prowess than physical strength.

With this deceitful nonsense, Sancho suffered hunger, so much so that he secretly cursed his government, and even the person who had given it to him. But with his hunger (and his compote) he began his day on the bench, and the first case before him was a stranger who asked him a question—the steward and the other assistants being present—which was: “Señor, a raging river divided two parts of the same dominion—listen carefully because the case is important and thorny.

“So, then, over this river was a bridge, and on the other side of it there was a gallows and a kind of court set up in which there were usually four judges who administer the law set down by the owner of the river, the bridge, and the dominion. That law read like this: ‘If anyone crosses this bridge from one side to the other, he must swear first where he’s going and why. And if he tells the truth, he should pass, and if he lies, he should be hanged on the gallows without possibility of appeal.’ Many people went over the bridge, and since they all knew the law, it was easy to tell that what they stated was the truth, and the judges let them pass freely.

“It happened, then, that a man swore and said as his oath that he came to die on the gallows, and for no other reason.

“The judges considered the oath and said: ‘If we let this man pass freely he’ll have told a lie in his oath, and should die. And if we hang him, he swore that he came to die on that gallows and he would have told the truth, and for that same reason should be set free.’ We ask your grace, señor governor, what the judges should do with that fellow. Even now they’re still wondering what to do and are quite puzzled. Having heard of your keen intellect, they sent me to beg you to give your opinion on this knotty and uncertain case.”

To which Sancho responded: “Those señores judges who sent you to me shouldn’t have, because I’m a man who is more ignorant than keen-witted. But, even so, explain the matter to me once again so I can understand it. Maybe I’ll be able to «hit the nail on the head».”

The petitioner repeated what he’d said, and repeated it again, then Sancho said: “In my opinion I can set this straight in an instant. Here’s the problem: the man swears he’s going to die on the gallows, and if he dies on the gallows he swore the truth, and by law he should go free, and pass over the bridge; if they don’t hang him, he swore falsely, and by that same law should be hanged.”

“It’s exactly as the señor governor stated,” said the messenger, “and insofar as the complete understanding of the case goes, there’s nothing more to ask or doubt.”

“So I say, then,” replied Sancho, “that the part of the man that spoke the truth be allowed to pass, and the part that told the lie be hanged, and in this way the law regarding passage over the bridge will be followed to the letter.”

“But, señor governor,” replied the petitioner, “to do this we’d have to cut the man into two parts, the lying part and the truthful part, and if he’s cut in half, perforce he has to die, and neither provision of this binding law will be obeyed.”

“Look señor good man,” responded Sancho, “this traveler that you’re talking about, either I’m a blockhead or he has the same reason to die as he does to live and pass over the bridge. If the truth saves him, a lie condemns him. And this being so, as it is, I’m of the opinion that you should tell these señores who sent you to me, since the reasons for condemning him and absolving him balance exactly, they should let him go free, since it’s more praiseworthy to do good rather than bad. And I would sign my name to it if I could write; and in this case I’ve not spoken my own opinion, but rather it was a precept I got, among others, from my master don Quixote the night before I came to be the governor of this island, and which was that when justice hangs in the balance, I should lean toward and favor mercy. And God has ordained that I should think of this right now since it fits the case like a glove.”

“That’s right,” responded the steward, “And I’m of the opinion that Lycurgus, who gave the laws to the Lacedæmonians, could have given no better judgment than the great Panza has given. With this, the morning session stands adjourned, and I’ll give the order that the señor governor should eat as much as he pleases.”

“That’s what I ask for, and with no deceptions,” said Sancho. “Give me something to eat and let them rain their cases and doubts on me. I’ll solve them instantly.”

The steward kept his word, for it bothered his conscience to starve such a wise governor to death. And what was more, he planned to finish the government that very night by playing a final jest he’d been charged to do.

It happened, then, that when he’d eaten that day, against the rules and aphorisms of doctor Tirteafuera, after they removed the tablecloth, a messenger came with a letter from don Quixote for the governor. Sancho had the secretary read it silently, and if there was nothing in it that needed to be kept secret, he should read it aloud. The secretary read it twice and said: “It can be read aloud. What señor don Quixote writes to your grace deserves to be printed in gold letters; and it says:

Expecting news of your blunders and nonsensical acts, Sancho my friend, I heard rather of your wise judgments, for which I give particular thanks to heaven, which can raise the poor and stupid from the dunghill and make them wise. They tell me that you govern as a man, and that as a man it’s as if you were a dumb animal, such is the humility you show in your dealings. And I want you to know, Sancho, that it’s frequently fitting and even necessary, owing to the importance of one’s office, to go against the humbleness of one’s heart, as for example in the way one dresses, which should conform to what the office requires, rather than what one’s humble nature is inclined. Dress well since «a stick that is well clad doesn’t appear to be a stick anymore». I don’t mean you should wear jewels or a full dress uniform, or that you as a judge should dress like a soldier, but rather that you adorn yourself with what your office requires, as long as it’s clean and looks good.

To win the good will of the people that you govern, among other things, you have to do two things: the first, be a good servant to all, although I have already told you this; and the other, try to provide an abundance of things that sustain life, for there’s nothing that dampens the heart of the people more than hunger and want.

Don’t make many laws, and if you do make any, make sure that they’re good and especially that they be kept and obeyed. For laws that are not kept are the same thing as if there were no such laws. Rather they give the impression that the prince who formulated them didn’t have the wisdom and authority to make them, didn’t have the courage to make sure they were obeyed—and laws that threaten but are not obeyed are like the log, the king of the frogs, which at first frightened them and which in time they came to scorn and climbed on top of.

Be a father to the virtues and a step-father to the vices. Don’t always be harsh nor always mild—choose a happy medium between these two extremes. Visit the jails, the butcher shops, and the marketplaces, for the presence of the governor in those places is very important. It consoles the prisoners waiting for their coming release, it’s a fearful shock to the butchers who, at least for the moment, will weigh their goods fairly, and it’s a deterrent to the market women for the same reason. Don’t show yourself to be (even though you might be, which I don’t believe) greedy, a chaser of women, or a glutton, because when the people and those surrounding you learn of those inclinations, they will attack you until they knock you into the depths of ruin.

Examine and examine again, consider and consider again the advice and written documents I gave you before you left for your government, and you’ll see how, if you observe it all, you’ll have something to help you get through the travails and difficulties which beset governors at every turn. Write to your masters and show them that you’re grateful to them. Ingratitude is the child of pride, and one of the deadliest sins; and the person who is grateful to those who have done him favors shows that he’ll be grateful to God, who has blessed him and will continue to shower many blessings on him.

The señora duchess sent one of her servants with your hunting outfit and another present to your wife, Teresa Panza. We’re expecting a response at any moment.

I’ve been a bit indisposed from a cat-clawing that happened to me, and turned out to be not to the advantage of my nose; but it was really nothing. If there are enchanters who treat me ill, there are also those who defend me.

Tell me if the steward with you had anything to do with Trifaldi as you suspected; and keep me apprised of everything that happens to you, because the distance is so short and I plan to leave this life of leisure that I’m leading, since I was not born for it.

Something has come up that I fear will put me in ill grace with these people. Although I care about it, my feelings really mean nothing, since after all I have to comply with my profession rather than their pleasure, in accordance with what is said: «Amicus Plato, sed magis amica veritas». I say this in Latin because I suppose that since you’ve been a governor you will have learned it. Farewell, and may God keep you away from harm.

Sancho listened to the letter with great attention, and it was praised and thought to be wise by all who heard it, and then Sancho got up from the table, called in his secretary, they shut themselves up in his room, and without further delay Sancho wanted to respond to his master don Quixote. He told the secretary to write exactly what he said, without adding or taking away anything from what he said. And that’s what was done. The response went like this:

LETTER FROM SANCHO PANZA TO DON QUIXOTE DE LA MANCHA

Because I’ve been so busy I’ve not had the time either to scratch my head or even to cut my fingernails—they have grown so long that God will have to fix them. I say this, señor mío of my soul, so that your grace won’t be surprised that I haven’t yet related my ups and downs in this government, in which I’m hungrier than when we wandered through forests and the wastelands.

My lord the duke wrote me the other day to warn me that certain spies had entered this island to kill me, and up to now I haven’t discovered any except a certain doctor who is salaried in this village to kill any governor who comes here. His name is doctor Pedro Recio, and is from of Tirteafuera, so that your grace can judge whether or not I have reason to fear dying at his hands. This doctor himself said that he doesn’t cure illnesses when one has one, but rather prevents them from coming, and the medicines he uses are diet and more diet, until he reduces the patient to gnawed bones, as though emaciation weren’t worse than a fever. So, he’s starving me to death, and I’m dying of dismay, since—whereas I thought I was coming to this government to eat hot food and drink cool refreshments, and enjoy the comfort of Holland sheets on feather mattresses—instead I have come to take pot-luck as if I were a hermit, and since I’m not doing it of my free will, I believe that in the end the devil will carry me off.

Up to now I’ve not collected a fee nor taken a bribe, and I don’t know what it all means, because they have told me here that governors who come to this ínsula, before they take office, the people in the town usually lend or give them large sums of money; and this is the usual practice for those who go to govern, and not only here.

Last night when I was making the rounds, I ran across a beautiful maiden wearing a man’s clothing and a brother of hers in a woman’s dress. The butler fell in love with the girl and has chosen her to be his wife—at least that’s what he says—and I chose the young man to be my son-in-law. Today the two of us will tell our thoughts to their father, a certain Diego de la Llana, and as good an Old Christian as you could want.

I do visit the market places as your grace advises and yesterday I found a market woman who was selling fresh hazelnuts and I discovered that she’d mixed a bushel and a half of fresh ones with a bushel and a half of old, rotten, worthless ones. I gave them all to the orphans, who can tell the good ones from the bad, and sentenced her not to come back to the market for two weeks. They told me that I did very well. All I can tell your grace is that it’s said that in this town there’s no one worse than the market women, because they’re all shameless, soulless, and bold, and I believe it because of what I’ve seen in other towns.

I’m very pleased that my lady the duchess has written my wife Teresa Panza, and sent her the present your grace mentions, and I’ll try to show my gratitude in due course. Kiss her hands for me, your grace, telling her that I say she has not cast her bread upon the waters in vain, as she’ll soon see.

I wouldn’t want your grace to get into trouble with my masters, because if you have a falling out with them it will hurt me, and since I’ve been advised to be grateful, it makes no sense for your grace not to be as well to those who have done you all those favors, and for the regal way you have been treated in their castle.

I don’t understand about that cat business, but I imagine that it must be one of the misdeeds that the evil enchanters typically use against you. I’ll find out when we see each other.

I would like to send your grace something, but I don’t know what to send, unless it’s some high-quality enema kits that they make on this ínsula, although if this office lasts, I’ll look for something to send, one way or another.

If my wife Teresa Panza writes me, please pay the postage and send me the letter. I really want to find out what’s going on at home with my wife and children. And with this, may God deliver you from evil-intentioned enchanters and send me safe and sound from this government, which I doubt, because I think I’ll leave my life here, the way doctor Pedro treats me.

The secretary closed the letter and dispatched the courier immediately, and gathering together those who were playing these jokes on Sancho, they figured out how to dispatch him from the government. And Sancho spent that afternoon drawing up some ordinances dealing with the good government of the village he thought was an ínsula. He ordered that no one should hoard basic necessities in the republic. And that wine could be brought from anywhere they might like, with the added stipulation to state where it came from, so that it could be priced according to its appraisal, goodness, and reputation. And the person who waters wine or changes the label should lose his life for it. He lowered the price of footwear, mainly shoes, because he thought that the prices were exorbitant. He fixed the rate on salaries of servants, which had been increasing at an alarming rate. He imposed heavy fines on those who would sing lascivious and brazen songs, either by day or night. He ordered that no blind person sing about miracles unless he could produce authentic testimony that they were true, because it seemed to him that most miracles that blind people sing about are made up, in prejudice to the real ones. He created an overseer for the poor, not so that they could be persecuted, but rather to verify if their condition is real, because «in the shadow of a feigned handicap and a false wound one finds thieves and drunks». In short, he made such good ordinances that they’re in force even today and are called THE CONSTITUTION OF THE GREAT GOVERNOR SANCHO PANZA.