About the colossal and unheard-of battle that don Quixote had with the groom Tosilos, in defense of the daughter of the duenna doña Rodríguez.
THE DUKE and duchess weren’t sorry about the trick they played on Sancho Panza in the government they had given him, and even less so when that same day their steward came and told them, point by point, almost all the words and actions Sancho had said and done during those days, and finally he described the assault on the ínsula, and Sancho’s fear and departure, which gave them no little pleasure.
After this, the history says the day agreed upon for the battle came, and the duke had told his groom Tosilos time and time again how he was to deal with don Quixote to conquer him without killing or even injuring him. He’d ordered that the iron tips from the lances be removed, saying to don Quixote that Christianity—which he valued so—didn’t permit that battle to be fought with so much risk and danger of losing life, and that he should be pleased that they were giving him an open field on his grounds, even though it went against the Holy Council, which prohibits such challenges, and he didn’t want to carry such a perilous contest to extremes.
Don Quixote said that his excellency should arrange things however he pleased and that he would obey him in everything. So, the dreaded day having arrived, the duke had a spacious platform built in the courtyard of the castle where the field judges were supposed to sit as well as the petitioners—mother and daughter. An infinite number of people from neighboring villages and towns had come to witness the novel battle since no one living in that region (and even those who had already died) had ever seen or heard of anything like it.
The first person on the field and dueling place was the master of ceremonies, who went over the field carefully, walking over the entire length to make sure there was no deceptive spot or some concealed irregularity that might cause them to trip and fall. Then the duennas entered and sat in their seats, with veils covering not only their eyes, but also cascading down to their chests, showing no little emotion. A bit after don Quixote went into the dueling area, the imposing groom Tosilos thundered into the arena from one side, heralded by many trumpets, his helmet closed, and looking serious and erect in his strong and shiny armor. The horse seemed to be a Frieslander, broad and grey in color. At each fetlock there seemed to be 12 kilos of wool.
The valiant combatant was well prepared by his master the duke about how he was to conduct himself with the brave don Quixote de La Mancha, having been cautioned not to kill him under any circumstances, but rather he should try to avoid hitting him in the first pass to avoid any danger of his death, which he felt was certain if he should be met head on. He pranced about the courtyard and went to where the duennas were, and for some time stood staring at the girl who sought him to be her husband. The field marshal called don Quixote—who had already come into the courtyard—and together with Tosilos, he spoke to the duennas, asking them if they consented to having don Quixote de La Mancha champion their cause. They said they did, and that anything he might do for their cause they would consider well done and binding.
By this time, the duke and duchess were seated in a gallery that overlooked the dueling place, which was crowded with an infinite number of people who were waiting to see the outcome of this unheard-of battle. The condition laid down for the combatants was that if don Quixote won, his contrary would have to marry the daughter of doña Rodríguez. And if he were vanquished, his opponent would be freed from the promise asked of him and any further obligation. The master of ceremonies placed them so that the sun favored neither one and placed each one where they were supposed to wait. Drums rolled, the air was filled with the sound of trumpets, the earth trembled under foot, the hearts of the gazing crowd were tense, some of the people fearing, others longing for a happy or a fatal outcome of that contest. Finally, don Quixote, commending himself with all his heart to God our Lord and to the lady Dulcinea del Toboso, waited for the sign to begin the attack.
However, the groom had different thoughts. He was only thinking what I’ll now reveal. It seems that when he was looking at his enemy, she seemed to him to be the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen in all his life, and the little blind boy who in the streets is commonly called Love, didn’t want to lose the chance offered him to triumph over the heart of a groom, and put it on the list of his conquests, and so, he stole up as nice as could be, without anyone seeing him, and shot an arrow six feet long into the groom’s left side, and split his heart in two, and he could do so in complete safety because he’s invisible and comes and goes wherever he pleases without anybody asking him to account for his deeds.
As I was saying, then, when the signal to charge was given, our groom was carried away in other thoughts, thinking about the beauty of the one whom he’d already made the mistress of his freedom, and so he paid no heed to the sound of the trumpet, as don Quixote did, and as soon as he heard it he began his attack. At the fastest speed that Rocinante could muster, he shot off to meet his enemy. When his good squire Sancho saw him begin his run, he shouted loudly: “May God guide you, cream and flower of knights errant! May God make you victorious since right is on your side!”
And although Tosilos saw don Quixote racing toward him, he didn’t move a step from where he was. Instead, with loud shouts, he called the field marshal who came to see what he wanted. He said to him: “Señor, isn’t this battle supposed to decide if I should marry that señora or not?”
“That’s right,” he was answered.
“Well,” said the groom, “I’m fearful for my conscience and I would be placing a great burden on it if this battle were to continue, and so I say that I consider myself vanquished, and I wish to marry that señora right now.”
The field marshal was astonished when he heard Tosilos’ words, and since he was in on the trick, he couldn’t say a word in response. Don Quixote stopped in mid-career, seeing that his enemy was not attacking, The duke didn’t know what had caused the battle not to continue, but the field marshal went to tell him what Tosilos had said, which made him amazed and extremely angry.
While this was going on, Tosilos went to where doña Rodríguez was, and shouted loudly: “I, senora, want to marry your daughter, and I don’t want to gain by means of conflict and battle what I can achieve peaceably and without danger of death.”
The brave don Quixote heard this and said: “Since this is as it is, I’m freed and released from my promise. Let them marry and good luck to them. And since God, our Lord, has given her to him, may Saint Peter add his blessing.”
The duke had come down to the courtyard of the castle, and approached Tosilos, saying: “Is it true, señor, that you’ve confessed defeat, and that, inspired by your fearful conscience, you want to marry this maiden?”
“Yes, señor,” responded Tosilos.
“He’s doing very well,” said Sancho at this point, “because «what you were going to give to the mouse, give to the cat, and save yourself trouble».”
Tosilos was unlacing his helmet, and begged those around him to help him remove it quickly because he was stifling and couldn’t stand to be restricted in that cramped area. They hurriedly removed it, and the face of the groom was clearly visible. When doña Rodríguez and her daughter saw it, they shouted: “This is a trick, a trick! They put Tosilos, my master’s groom, in my true husband’s place. Justice in the name of the king for so much malice, not to mention a swindle!”
“Don’t worry, señoras,” said don Quixote, “for this is neither malice nor deviltry, and if it is, it’s not on account of the duke, but rather because of the evil enchanters who pursue me, and since they’re jealous that I might get the glory of this conquest, they have changed the face of your husband into the face of this fellow that you say is the duke’s groom. Take my advice, and in spite of the malice of my enemies, marry him. He’s doubtless the one you want for your husband.”
The duke heard this and was on the point of venting his anger when he burst out with laughter, and said: “The things that happen to don Quixote are so extraordinary that I’m about to believe that this isn’t my groom. But let’s use this plan—let’s put off the wedding for two weeks, if you want, and let’s lock up this personage whose identity has us all wondering, and during that period perhaps he’ll recover his original form. The animosity that the enchanters bear don Quixote cannot last so long, especially since their deceits and transformations are of so little avail.”
“Oh, señor,” said Sancho, “it’s true that these brigands customarily change things relating to my master. Just the other day a knight that he conquered called the Knight of the Mirrors, had his face transformed into that of the bachelor Sansón Carrasco, a native of our village and a great friend of ours; and Dulcinea del Toboso was changed into a rustic peasant, so I can imagine that this groom will die and live a groom all the days of his life.”
To which the daughter of Rodríguez said: “No matter who this fellow is who wants to marry me—I’m grateful to him, for I’d prefer to be the legitimate wife of a groom than the spurned mistress of a gentleman, though the one who deceived me is no gentleman.”
So, it all ended by shutting Tosilos up until they could see where his transformations would lead. Everyone acclaimed don Quixote as the victor, but most were sad and melancholy to see that the eagerly awaited combatants hadn’t ripped each other to shreds, just as boys are sad when the criminal is not hanged, either because the accuser or justice has pardoned him. The people dispersed, the duke and duchess and don Quixote returned to the castle, they jailed Tosilos, doña Rodríguez and her daughter were very content, seeing that one way or another it would wind up in a marriage, and Tosilos expected no less.